Writing has to suck

Creative work should feel amazing, but to get there it has to suck

For the fifth week in a row I showed up with nothing. I just wanted to hide on the call, hide away from my writing feedback group. Hoping they’d dominate the time, and ignore that I’d come empty handed…again.

If this were you, I’d have ready advice. Just write! Don’t worry about the other bits, things will improve in motion. We are all so good at avoiding the direct route, its a thing I feel in my bones. Like going off to college, when you want to start a business, go start a business!

Either I sucked at giving, or receiving at advice. Because the days of not publishing turned from week into months, as it slowed with a metallic grinding noise, until finally seizing up.

When it all started

I started publishing to reach people. Believing I could develop communication skills and leave a door open for opportunity to come knocking.

But as the publishing got more serious, my writing changed from the lovely act of teaching, into the uncomfortable act of learning, digging and squeezing on ideas until they made sense. A lot of grasping at vagueness, and a lot of empty air.

Rewriting and rewriting, until what was an enthusiastic idea turned into a grey mush.

The effort wasn’t lining up with the reasons I said I was writing.
I’d forgotten why I write.

Squeezing on this idea

Some writing is easy. Journaling is like therapy, it helps me understand myself and clarifies deep thoughts.

But writing in public! That’s a race against readers expectations, real or imagined. The bar is much higher there. I don’t mind the squalor of my private entries, but I’ll sure do a vacuum and clean up before letting anyone else see it.

And of course, this cleanup and endless re-writing, produces a better understanding of the idea, better writing. And I wanted that. I want to understand myself and these ideas as clearly as I can. A clear idea is a brick. Bricks build up into a calm confidence in the things I get curious about, including me.

Running

There was a similar struggle when we were training for a marathon. A lot of training is needed, and it starts to suck. You have to make so much time for it, you don’t know how hard to push or when you can take an easy run. Disconnected was how this training was actually going to help.

Until I got a solid cramp.
Not being able to walk the last couple of meters to the car, was eye opening. If that happened on big race day, I’d be in the middle of no-where and likely need to be carried out. Fuck that!

My next training session had renewed purpose, run hard enough to where I think I might cramp. Learn how to deal with that (salt!) and test myself.

Training had to suck. Because race day shouldn’t.

Why I write this

I enjoy writing when I’m teaching a well known idea, but to get there I need to do the hard writing. The painful squeezing. Because I don’t know myself, or the ideas I’m curious about. It’s what makes writing the new, hard. It has to suck.

I write to understand things, myself being the big one. And I publish, because you dear reader, raise the bar of quality — you are the marathon. Without which, I wouldn’t find depth, just journaling alone… rambling in the dark.
Fin.

---

July adventure update
Climbing is the most awesome sport, you should try it!
Vancouver is hella expensive.
Looking for summer jobs is hard, but got my first interview tomorrow. It’s for a barista role downtown!

Novel things found
Traffic circle garden.
Guided tour of the neighbourhood cats.